My Journey To Self Love
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a go-getter. If I want it, I got it. And if I didn’t have it, I would find a way to make it happen. There were some things though, that I did not know how to obtain.
When it came to traveling, I was always waiting on other people to be ready to do things. We would have drunk conversations about doing this and that, but never took action. I was always working to live, but never really living. So it wasn’t until one very special day that I decided to begin living.
What did that mean to me? At the time it would mean changing my life and making some hard choices. Saying goodbye to an apartment I lived in for 3 years, and moving into my sister’s house. I wanted change. At that point, I had to make the hard choice, to take steps back in order to move forward.
I remember in October of 2018, I said goodbye to someone I was dating. I felt extremely alone and often wondered why love was always out of reach for me. At the time, I was given a book that started my journey, “How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life,” by Jen Sincero. As I read this book, I could feel it fuel me to find my passion in life. I’m constantly thanking my friend for that gift, because it helped me in ways I never thought it would.
I found another book that was extremely helpful to me at The Den Meditation. For those who do not know, it is a center that offers meditation classes in Studio City, CA. After class, I remember thinking, “I’ll look at their book selection after meditation.” This day was abnormal for me, because I never lingered like the other students after class. Right there, hidden in the corner shelf of the room, was a red book called, “A Return to Love: A Course in Miracles,” by Marianne Williamson. This book was spiritual. It was non denominational, focusing more on ceasing the habit of speaking failure into existence. Williamson made it clear that we limit ourselves. We tell ourselves we’re not worthy of having this or that thing. I resonated with this. I frequently compared my own attributes to what others had, even going as far as to tell myself I’d never have them. I’d use my dyslexia as an explanation for not writing a blog or obtaining a collegiate level education. I, admittedly, believed my aspirations were silly. These books changed me for the better, and gave me permission to pursue my dreams.
Boy oh boy, have I come a long fucking way!
This month, I officially start applying to universities as I finish my AA for transfer in Psychology and an AA in Sociology. I will graduate in spring 2022. I could not be more proud of myself. I have worked my ass off, tirelessly, since June of 2020. I went to every summer, fall, winter, and spring session the community college offered. I challenged myself to take a full semester, eager to learn everything I could. I failed some classes, life got in the way, but I picked myself up. I plopped myself right back in front of the computer.
Some days I cried a lot. There were times I wished for something bad to happen to me. Something to take my frustrations away, so that I would not have to complete anything again. But I wiped those tears. I took to journaling this negativity and told myself, “Come on Victoria you got this, YOU WANT THIS.” Every bit of frustration has led me to these happy moments of positive self affirmations. I am smart, I do know what I am talking about, and now I am writing my second blog post. Life can be challenging. When we limit our beliefs as well as what we are capable of, we stop blessings from coming into our lives. I want to hit the ground running and never look back.
Note to Reader: If you have gotten this far in my post — you are beautiful, smart, and loved! Be the love you wish to see in the world and those around you.