Sex, Am I The Only One Not Having It?
Life Update
Well, I just want to dive right in on this topic. When I was in my early 20s sex was a sport, since then the meaning behind it has changed for me. While most guys that I have been intimate with did not know left from right, it has still remained a wild ride. No pun intended! I remember being at a boyfriends house for Thanksgiving in 2009. His aunt made a comment about the little man on the boat. Then, about 19 years old I had no idea what she meant. Until his mother said “your clit” and she continued on to say “I am not about to have this conversation with you.” Clearly though by my reaction she knew her son was not doing shit for me but also I was not doing anything for myself. I was no expert. Back in my day ( I want to laugh so hard because I am only 31) many girls faked orgasms or never had one before.
I have probably had about 5 partners in my life that have gave me an orgasm. I feel almost embarrassed to say that.That is not me saying the sex was terrible because I did not orgasm. I mean it takes two too tango. I have had a lot of time to think of why that is though. I feel embarrassed for the most part because I never once communicated how I felt. It took me years to find my voice and even then I was not always able to communicate. When I did find my voice these guys would lose any sort of masculinity they had left. These days I steer clear from any sort of sexual activity and let alone engaging with men. It is more about me at this point and this beloved bond with my body.
While now I feel like my body is a temple and remaing celibate allows me to focus on myself. This also allows me to focus on my studies. Now that it has been a little over a year since I have obtained this practice my life has really shifted. For a long time I took meaning in if men wanted to sleep with me. It made me feel whole and temporarily attractive until I would go home to be alone. Soon after this eventually evolved into me kicking men out after I was done with them. Which in my opinion was not cool of me either. This was not about them though but the way I felt about myself. How I saw myself and what exchanging that energy felt like. What I thought I needed to be. I think the only person who has ever seen me and made me feel safe was Batman. The sexual exploration and connection I experienced between him and I was like no other. I try to not look at things as who can top that or this is as good as is gets. It is like when people say you only get 3 great loves. I do not know that to be true though because I have only been in true love once. Hint this was with batman as well.
Love is like being seen for the first time at your most vunerable and raw self. Love is honest and being able to be yourself. That is just my opinion though because love can have its hard times too. That is why I now feel like sex is such a HUGE deal to me. I use to not even take my shirt off during sex is how shy I was. I was so shy and unsure of what I was doing. If it was right and felt insecure being intimate with men. Until these intimate moments shared with Batman. Hiding under the sheet with the sunlight shining through, and forehead kisses but also spitting in my mouth. Obviously if the walls of our bedrooms could talk the things they would say! How do you create intimacy if you do not even understand it though? How do you create intimacy if you share it with multiple people? How do share intimacy if sex is just a sport?
I do see the power in sex and have experienced the freedom it holds. However, as my life goes on with each experience I ask myself and others, am I the only one who feels this way? Am I just a super simp for wanting more than to be fucked doggy? I think my article about men being triggered went over many peoples head. They proved my point by continuing to be triggered with harsh comments and judgments. When I just should have asked why are people triggered by healing? Why do we fear being intimate with ourselves?
We are divine beings with energy that flows through and around us. So for me it is about exchanging that energy with others. What kind of state are they in and stage in their life plays a role in that. How we feel before sex plays a role in the act itself. I am not saying do not have sex. I am actually doing nothing but sharing my experience and asking if there is anyone out there who feels this way too. Is sex sacred to you, like it has become for me? Although I find myself want to break this, I now feel there is never knowing whose intentions remain true and whose do not.
Note for Readers: Not just requires energy exchange. Business, family, friends, and many other interactions involve energy as well. Just be mindful who you align yourself with.
