I Know it Hurts
But I love you Anyway
Hey, it has been awhile.
I thought to myself last night, I am not a writer. As I look at all my drafts sitting waiting to be read. However, none of my drafts seem right or really captured the what has been going on. I keep so many things to myself only a very few people know how the last year has been for me. It has been difficult to quiet the noise in my head. I have so many thoughts at once that it becomes difficult to hear my real thoughts. I try to live my life with integrity. I want to see myself how others see me. The last year though my heart has been breaking but while it breaks it seems to become fuller at the same time.
The last year has been a roller coaster. While I graduated college, jumped off a bridge, got accepted to my dream college, moved out, and got back to a place with myself I was not sure I would see again. With the good comes the bad. My dad became sick with cancer in June 2022. While my mother and him scrambled to tell their 5 children we all seemed to be thriving not knowing what would come. My oldest sister got a job where she is valued for her work and another sister who has found her lobster. We did not know that our first love, our dad, would be sick. We have come together as a family with strong prayers of our fathers swift recovery. That everything align in his favor. It has been a constant battle but he is okay. I have been struggling with this though. My friends have stepped up in ways to be there for me but have been struggling to be there for myself. With check-ins, listening when I am in tears, and showing up for me however they can, it was still hard.
People will only see what you show them. We often hide behind these psychological masks because it arises the questions if they see me will they accept me? The more I lower this mask of mine, the more free I begin to feel. I have met all types of people throughout the years of my life. Batman who really shifted things last year left a mark that I wish to remove. He would always say “It’s all stupid anyways.” Always annoyed by this response, I think this is what helped him get through life. To him everyone left and so he had to leave before they did. If all the situations were stupid with no purpose then everything and everyone was disposable. Everything was always fair game and he lived his life for him. While I do agree with living for yourself. Being too stupid can leave people hurt, like I was. While upset about my father I turned to this person. To my surprise he was unreliable. Leaving me with more heartache than I could handle, I exploded. Everything I was feeling pouring out of me over weeks, Yes weeks. Five years of things I never said. Until, the messages went green, unfollowed on Instagram, and email blocked. After 5.5 years, of I love you’s, late night conversations, and an ear to lend I would never hear from him again. He was a coward and I made sure to let him know he was too.
I sometimes think to myself I am a coward. I was too scared to face that maybe this person never loved me.I was too scared to leave because no one could treat me like him. I think that was the point, that no one should treat me like this. Maybe I was fooling myself that when I got myself finally together, he would finally see me. I think the biggest lesson will be that I need to see myself. I need to acknowledge I have feelings and that they need to be dealt with. After a few months of a hiatus, I have finally returned to therapy. I have also completed my first fall semester at a University, and while he has his days my father is doing better. Things really are in divine timing. I am working to find the best version of myself and what I will and will not allow in my life. My peace is ultimately most important at this point in my life. Things that take priority go straight to the top of the list. Only letting people come into my life who add value and hear my boundaries. Life has taught me this last year, it really is all too fucking short. I am living for every moment, good and bad, and finding the silver lining in any situation.
Note to Reader: I love you, your higher power loves you, and most importantly love yourself.
