A Story About Lovers In Silence

It is too quiet sometimes

Recently I have decided to take a vow of silence with a situation I have been battling for years. I love this person, for privacy I refer to him as Batman. I have know this man for 5 years now. This past weekend was the 5 year mark of our situation. No one really compares to him or comes close to him. There is no doubt that I hold him on a pedestal in my heart. For some more information I have linked The One with Batman. This will link you to more about the background story of him and I. When I wrote the story my heart was content in the situation. He was giving me what he could, but my heart aches for more now.

I have been going back and forth the last couple of months about this. I have weighed out what the cost is about putting myself out there to speak my truth again. Another thought was resulting to my old ways kicking and screaming demanding he realize what we are doing here. Did not work then and I doubt it would now. Then there was the hardest one, walk away without saying a word. Well obviously you know what I chose. It has been almost 3 weeks since we have spoken. It has been hard because I miss talking to him but I want more. Is really too much to ask for? We say I love you, kiss, have sex, and sometimes even feel vulnerable to say I miss you in times of separation. He is not only my best friend but someone I could see spending the rest of my life with.

I am a spiritual person and I often take to tarot for answers. Some of you may be laughing but the cards never lie. The first time I ever recieved a reading from someone was in 2019. I met Jeremy the Healer at The Den Meditation. I went to mostly every Thursday reiki healing I could go to. I was ready to heal myself. I have been on this journey of taking better care of myself for about 4 years. Every year is getting better with myself and mental health. One day, I found myself having more money to finally purchase one of his readings. Honestly, it was worth every penny. Still to this day I use this reading to remind myself how far I have come. How far him and I have come as 2 individuals battling our inner self. The reading basically explained we are together but not in the material world. That he enjoys being alone and finds comfort in it. The reading shows I am ready for more from this situation. I am ready to be together in the material world. Below I have posted the reading from 2019.

After practicing tarot and learning more I feel confident in myself to read for others and myself. I use tarot as a guide, therapy, or to really see a situation for what it is. The past 6 months again and again every reading I have clicked on, or “Pick a card” I have chosen has a divine message. These are general pick a card readings people I have followed for years have posted on their accounts. The tarot answers for the community, which are energies they pick up from those following them. Reading and pick a card descibed over and over the separtion is coming to an end. That this situation was coming together this year. Well naturally, as accurate as these people have been I wanted to see if the tarot that they pulled was right for me. Now in 2022, I decided to pull the cards out and see if the story was the same. The tarot never lies in my opinion. I shuffled my cards thought about my intentions and laid the cards out. The answers laying face down, flipping over one card at a time, revealing more about our situation and what I believed to be true.

Questions consisted of:

• What do I really want from this union?

The Moon — That I want my feelings to be heard and for him to acknowledge what is going on here. Meanings like insecurities, worry, hidden, and wanting to come out of these emotions.

• What am I not seeing clearly about my divine masculine?

King of Pentacles — The King of Pentacles refers to a man of high ambition, satisfaction, and worldly success. Meanings associated are generous, serious relationships, emotionally and financially stable. I had a giggle because this sounds like him to the T. Things like great parent and partner came forward. He does not love through words but action and is slow when it comes to making commitments.

• What would my life be like if we got together?

The Devil — This one scared me because come on its the devil! I had to remind myself with the good comes the bad. Meanings like freedom, selfish, disregard for feelings, and obsession. People becoming codependent on eachother and finding it hard to remain individuals. Being aware of ourselves and what a relationship means to us is important. I could see this being an issue as 2 Taurus. On top of that who knows if this would even work. I suppose I had come this far and I have nothing to lose.

• How does he truly feel about me?

The World — My stomach filled with butterflies flipping this card over. Meanings like “Big picture”, major change, wholeness, grateful, loved, fulfilling romantic life. Two soulmate lovers who are finally allowed to just enjoy eachother. He feels safe with me and the feeling is mutual.

• Where is this connection going in the future?

2 of Cups — My heart began to beat quickly because this is the card of love right here in my opinion. Meanings like true love, mirroring of ones self relationships, and working together as a team. My mind filled with the beginning of a partnership and 2 people coming together. Giving each other encouragement and building up one another.

It was a beautiful reading and confirmed all that I had known to be true. The potential of a relationship together laying right there on my bed. I want to believe that only time will tell what is going to happen. Nothing is written in stone for us and energies are always changing. This is just an insight in my opinion of what is possible. Will it grow into more though? This might just be one of those things I have to let go. I remember always telling him “One day I wont be here then what?” He would look at me unsure what to say. Maybe I have had all the answers this whole time and did not want to see the truth, that I was just an option. Maybe he does not really love me and he is dicking me around. The truth, I do not know what it is. I find myself expressing myself so easily to everyone about this, except with the person it counts the most with. Thinking about every, kiss, words exchanged, and time spent together makes it harder for me as time go by. Knowing I feel this way and staying in silence, only punishes me. The only option I have right now though is to stay silent. The universe hears me and my prayers every night. I am giving this situation to forces outside of me. Let this either grow where it needs to or be buried with the old me.

Right now, it’s all about me!

Note to Readers: